Stuck in a infinite loop of pain and suffering.
Dax, again, has a thing, they tweet the great time they had. I’m never invited, never included, nothing.
I need to stay off twitter. It’s a source of nothing but pain.
Frozen
November 15th, 2011Thanksgiving
November 15th, 2011Well, the reply on the Thanksgiving invite for furries sounded like a brush off so I won’t be going and just stay at home alone again.
I just wish I could do more with fellow furries but “I’m not their type” or whatever the problem is.
Miserable life. I keep being told that I have to have a “handler” in order to fursuit and since I have no one to ask I cannot go fursuiting even with the others on the rare occasion there is something I could go to. I’m way out of luck.
I wish the local furries were more inviting rather than intolerant of those who are different. I am not exactly their “worst friend” when I’m a friend. I feel as if most furries would risk being friends with drug addicts, drunks, theives, etc. than with someone with mental health and poverty issues. And that is why I have mental health issues.
If I was allowed and able to fursuit often I’d feel a whole lot better. If I had friends to do things with it would be even better but so far all attempts have resulted in nothing. Dead zero. And it’s been YEARS of effort.
Bad Medicine
October 26th, 2011I wish I could put this journal on FurAffinity but the Trolls will show up in hordes and talking about it I might upset someone. Dax un-followed me on FA for that reason.
I’ve put in a call to the doctor that I DO have “crying fits” from for example reading about Dogbombs yet another fursuit outing. And Dax had reminded me that I should not fursuit without a hearing ear person (aka: escort or handler).
So my anxiety disorder flares up and despite needing to do a fursuit walk, etc. I just can’t at all. Too scared to fursuit. To scared to ask about for local furs to befriend to do so.
Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
October 21st, 2011Well, my fursuit head I paid for with my grocery money and was anxiously waiting was damaged by UPS. It’ll be a LONG wait.
But I have a burning jealousy. And I found out in part why. First it was Dogbomb. Fantastic fursuit, and he got to do things I’m not allowed. I was reminded by a guy I know that because of my hearing impairment I have to have an escort when others can get away without.
And now Palomino Pony and his new fursuit. Which I thought was supposed to be a quad BTW.
Both fursuits were made by Beastcub.
Perfection in fur but only for the skinny. I doubt they can do fat folks like me.
It’s her damned outstanding work that is what sparks my jealousy in part. I have no idea how many good looking fursuits are done by them that I will never have as employers are free to discriminate and I am at a severe disadvantage as it is from the results of being disabled.
So I’ll never look good, I’ll never have a decent fursuit, I’ll never get to go fursuiting, especially when I make arrangements as I need an escort. I’ll never have friends as most folk don’t like us old hard of hearing guys unless we’re stinking rich.
So I sit here fuming.
Life sucks.
TRUST
September 23rd, 2011I part paid on some fur and scraps from a local fur.
I gave them $50 July 1st with the remaining to be paid August 1st. After 2 weeks of lurking by that person they sent a nasty email saying that the deal was off.
I’ve paid $50 for what I recently found out was $20 worth of scraps.
I was counting on that fur to make the fursuit body instead of this crappy Davos “fleece” stuff.
I’ve tried 2 more times and failed to get the fur needed. The suit feels phoney. Not furry.
I was stabbed in the back by that person which ruined any chance of getting the fur to enjoy. Yet they remain with many friends and financially OK but I remain broke and alone. Banished from events because I complained about being defrauded.
I am reminded daily of what happened. And more keep ripping me off (both furs and mainly non-furs). At age 51 and disabled even in a good economy I have almost no chance of employment. Deaf and Hard of Hearing like myself suffer from 80% unemployment rate during good economies.
And are easy targets for being ripped off.
It says a lot about a community that says it’s OK to beat someone down. To stand idly by. Virtual “hugs” are not within a million miles of helping as I still hurt badly.
So no fur, no true fursuit, no friends to do things with, no money, no job, no real hope. The only way to succeed as I’ve learned is to “lie, cheat, steal, and hurt people”. Something I cannot do and remain poorer for it. At least I still have my principles. At least I’m still the “good guy”.
Don’t Do It
September 23rd, 2011Lessons learned:
I helped a lot of people.
I took care of my disabled parents.
I worked hard for companies at times without pay.
I did a lot of free tech support for people I knew / know.
I save a kids life.
And what do I have to show for it? Poverty, debts, homelessness (off and on), despair, loneliness, self-delusion, fear.
The lesson: never help anyone. Never help your parents. Trust no one. I’ve been told that many times these last few years since my mother died leaving me in the mess I’m in. I Have a hard time remembering those “lessons”.
Severe Depression
September 23rd, 2011The doctor won’t help with the tendonitis so I’m not able to do much.
I’m having problems getting pills filed due to changes in California’s Medi-Cal program (medicaid).
My bank account got hit with scam charges.
My universal remote broke.
I’m out of money.
I’m stuck at home.
None of my friends has shown up on I.M. or replied to my email.
I’m having more medical problems now.
I missed out on fursuit events this weekend due to one being very late at night and the other too far away for me to go.
I struck out trying to get fur for the fursuit body.
My depression has been bad making it nearly impossible to try to find things to make money doing.
My landlord is giving me a bad time.
My computer is giving me a bad time.
Things continue to break down a lot.
I have no one to comfort me in person especially.
I’m scared that I’m headed down the same path as other persons with Asperger’s have:
That person could never get friends, was always left out, then would get serious bouts of loneliness and then got arrested for acting out.
I haven’t been this depressed since I was last ripped off back in July 31st.
Everything is completely hopeless. I can’t do anything anymore. Too old. I’m told that furries discriminate against older folk so I have no hope of any fellow furs being friends.
I went too long being nice and happy with almost no result.
And as always there are others having it “worse” though they don’t realize in what parts of their life they have it better than I. It’s the old: “my house burnt down” – everyone helps those persons but my “I lost everything I owned to scams” in the past would get a “stop griping”.
I’ve stopped the “step outside, breath, contemplate”. I hasn’t helped at all lately.
I can’t find anything to take my mind off of things. Movies & TV just don’t help.
I’m worn out from helping others for so very long.
I keep being told how messed up the local furries are.
All I hear are bad things from others.
I’ve worked myself to death trying to be positive. I’ve run out of that ability now.
I cannot do art anymore because I realize I’m still terrible at it until I take a LOT of lessons.
Many of my sewing projects are terrible and a lot is stopped because I can’t get more fur or materials.
And I can’t shut up about it because I feel so horrid from being left out of things so much for so long.
From FA: anger at lonliness
September 23rd, 2011Stupid me I miss-read some journal or another and got it stuck in my stupid little head that Beastclub (sp?) was doing bargain commissions. Their quality is worth more than $75, sure.
But stupid me. Emailing back and forth before getting the commision price (of course if I asked for more features, it would be more $$). It was to be a simple tail but hopefully better looking that the crap I’ve done.
But stupid me. Just read into the notice that somehow it’d be less?!
And I’m sitting here all day fuming over all the tweets about RainFurrest. And on a furry email list about everyone having sex or relationships reminding me of being alone.
And so on with things that upset me.
And I can’t vent to anyone as that’s how people are driven away I’m told so I’m supposed to shut up. I can’t vent on my online I.M. friends. Most all are out of state AND ASLEEP.
No fur for the body to replace the crappy looking stuff I’m using (I got ripped off by a fellow fur).
No local friends to do anything with. To date it’s been just I.M. (being hearing impaired limits calls and such).
I’ve been afraid to ask where ppl live in the SF Bay furry community.
And those I do ask don’t respond except maybe 2 persons. Others nearby that I do know what city they live in so I know they’re close I’m afraid to ask. I did a couple and it was no response.
I’ve been holding it in hard from the local email furry list and other places to say something to try to not appear to be the numbnutz I’ve been called by two of the furs.
ALL events and activities are very far away. It’s like the East County to Mid County is a “no furry event zone”.
Because of my disabilities most employers will never hire me or keep me on. So I can’t (yet) overcome the financial limits that confound things.
I have possibly some sort of ADD / ADHD thing (often co-morbid with Aspergers) and can’t focus enough on finding what work to do or business (w/o $$) to start. Not even programming projects as everyone wants something I have never done so I have to learn something new but what? Too many choices and all would take too much time before I can see one red penny. And so on with my stupid excuses.
I have no one to help me go fursuiting (“handler required”).
I love to volunteer but am afraid to ask Critters By The Bay if I could participate and do one of their “non-professional” events. Crappy suit, damned hearing issue.
I was the only fursuit left out of the boating activity at the picnic. Probably due to my hearing impairment issue since I can’t over hear anything. And stupid me I was patiently waiting for room in the changing tent. Damned pushy kids.
When looking at all the important things, despite all the great things happening, discoveries, etc., my life is dead. No friends to do things with. No money. No fursuiting events I can afford to go to. “Blew the wad” aka groceries going to the picnics, had help for the bowling thing but I can’t use mass transit so I cannot go again. The fursuit didn’t travel well on the mass transit system crammed in two bags.
I keep trying to remind myself of the good things happening to me these days. But in the end I still am pissed. Others are too about not being able to go to RainFurrest but I bet by comparison their lives are better. I wish I could find out.
I just plain hate myself. Why not? I had decades of training from my mother.
But as they say out of suffering, comes comedy, prose, music (blues), etc.
Meltdown analysis
August 20th, 2011August 14, 2011
Was it me who over-reacted or was it where most would have too?
Before:
Starting July 1st
I started being active.
I started with “I’m going to do something”.
I started socializing, it moved way up in the priority list.
I was in a time warp, a wild series of events and personal changes.
I was making remarkable achievements
I was starting on the “am I explaining?” awareness to reduce the chatter.
Just at the time of the “event”, I had learned of a new thing: filtering.
I was very much looking forward all month to getting the fur so I could be building a REAL fursuit, not the pajamas I have now.
I was improving my behavior a lot during July.
I had offers to make tails like mine for others. It uses that special fur which I cannot find a substitute.
I kept reminding myself that IF the time came when I had money that the fur may not be available. I kept repeating it to myself to be prepared. That, however, hasn’t worked in the past anyway.
I’m made huge restraints on my behavior which no one really knows how much.
The event & aftermath:
Hyenagirl in her email said I had not changed.
She made me feel like I could never improve, that I was completely hopeless. Hence the “FUBAR” label and the “I should end it all” feeling she gave me through my bad logic.
She indicated that most others felt the same way in that email.
It hurt badly to be told I’m no better than I ever was.
She was lurking for 2 weeks and then because of personality conflicts she cancels the business deal. Which meant no fursuit, no tails to sell, nothing.
She claimed that my behavior is NOT Aspergers and she “knew” Asperger’s sounding like she was saying she was an expert. Meltdowns are classic Aspergers. Triggered by trivial things.
“You’ve not learned a damned thing” was another slap.
Persons who read it said there was “constructive criticism”. What in what she wrote was something that I didn’t know already?
Asperger’s persons tend to be naïve and trust people too much. I’m easily mislead and don’t become suspicious when others do.
To filter an email message takes an hour of typing and rewriting just to cut it down to simple necessary statements. I don’t have that kind of time. I’m fighting normal behavior spending man hundreds of times effort in communication and social concerns to communicate.
Calling me childish is often the discriminatory insult done of Asperger’s persons. “It’s just a childish temper tantrum”.
I do not “love” my behavior [as Hyenagirl said], I hate it. I was feeling far better about myself, proud at my achievements and Hyenagirl trashed it all and drove it home with her cancelling the deal and reneging on her promise. SHE PROMISED!
There is one personality related behavior of mine that is not typical Asperger’s but I can’t remember what it is.
It is a hugely long explanation as to what is going on with me, how I’ve improved, what is going on in my life, what Asperger’s is. I’ve had complaints about my behavior so I explain about my hearing impairment and Aspergers so people will shut the FUCK up about those problems, especially about things I can’t do a thing about.
But they complain about my explaining. It’s a fail-fail situation.
Raley’s Tail
August 20th, 2011I was reading a twitter on a guy who got drunk and went to Target shopping.
So do I have to get drunk to go shopping with my tail on?!
So today, sober of course as always, I went to the post office to drop off a package. The to Raley’s to get my pills! Being a Saturday Raley’s was busy which I forget that it happens!
I’m sure I turned heads. But it was great! My tail helps me to do so much better, feel better, do more! 