So that feeling of “dying” probably was the usual classic “you feel like your going to die” when you are sick when usually it isn’t true.  Your just miserable.

And doubly so in my case.  The cold on top of severe depression.

Everything furry has been put away.  And I am in a lot of pain from it.  But the damned cold is confusing things!

I’m trying to keep myself off of FaceBook and FurAffinity as those are my main online furry sites I go to and are part of the addiction issue.

The hiatus means I should not really do much furry anything for a while.  And it isn’t easy since it’s going “cold turkey” (furry pun not intended).

It’s left me in severe depression.  Not only have I packed away the fursuits and stuff in the shed, but I’m packing up my plushies.  Gong back to so called “normal”.

But I cannot and will not leave the furry fandom.  I may stay out of touch with the bay area furry community, but not fully give up.  It’s not possible or I hope it isn’t.

So today was packing the plushies, feeding my roommate who is back from the hospital, and playing computer games and watch some TV shows.  I just can’t do much of anything else anymore.  I’m in very bad shape.

The past several weeks now my therapist has been absent and right during  a full crisis on my part.

I’m not sure what to say to catch up after the last posting on what’s been happening.

And I’m on a ‘furry hiatus’ due to apparent addiction issues.

And my therapist again could not make the appointment when I’m in a crisis.

So, I just can’t do anything.  Way too depressed.  I really feel horrible.

Now on top of that I don’t feel like a furry anymore.

On person says it’s an expensive luxury (so I should not have fursuits or go fursuiting).  Others say that fursuiting is perceived as creepy by a lot of folks, especially the police.

So I’m both on hiatus and not a furry for the next week.  I won’t even wear the tail anymore.

Therapist suggested I stop doing furry stuff. So sites are now blocked on my browsers and notifications turned off.

I just wish I could do more with fellow furries but “I’m not their type” or whatever the problem is.

Miserable life. I keep being told that I have to have a “handler” in order to fursuit and since I have no one to ask I cannot go fursuiting even with the others on the rare occasion there is something I could go to. I’m way out of luck.

I wish the local furries were more inviting rather than intolerant of those who are different. I am not exactly their “worst friend” when I’m a friend. I feel as if most furries would risk being friends with drug addicts, drunks, theives, etc. than with someone with mental health and poverty issues. And that is why I have mental health issues.

If I was allowed and able to fursuit often I’d feel a whole lot better. If I had friends to do things with it would be even better but so far all attempts have resulted in nothing. Dead zero. And it’s been YEARS of effort.

I’ve put in a call to the doctor that I DO have “crying fits” from for example reading about Dogbombs yet another fursuit outing.  And Dax had reminded me that I should not fursuit without a hearing ear person (aka: escort or handler).

So my anxiety disorder flares up and despite needing to do a fursuit walk, etc.  I just can’t at all.  Too scared to fursuit.  To scared to ask about for local furs to befriend to do so.

But I have a burning jealousy.  And I found out in part why.  First it was Dogbomb.  Fantastic fursuit, and he got to do things I’m not allowed.  I was reminded by a guy I know that because of my hearing impairment I have to have an escort when others can get away without.

And now Palomino Pony and his new fursuit.  Which I thought was supposed to be a quad BTW.

Both fursuits were made by Beastcub.

Perfection in fur but only for the skinny.  I doubt they can do fat folks like me.

It’s her damned outstanding work that is what sparks my jealousy in part.  I have no idea how many good looking fursuits are done by them that I will never have as employers are free to discriminate and I am at a severe disadvantage as it is from the results of being disabled.

So I’ll never look good, I’ll never have a decent fursuit, I’ll never get to go fursuiting, especially when I make arrangements as I need an escort.  I’ll never have friends as most folk don’t like us old hard of hearing guys unless we’re stinking rich.

So I sit here fuming.

Life sucks.